Brevity and dullity

Bonjourno! There is an awful lot going on that I wish I had time to tell you about but I don't and that is the way life goes. So I shall have to be brief and just get on with the bare essentials.

The speech is written. That is the good news. I am NEVER writing one again. It has blighted my recent life. Writing this post on my comfy sofa in front of the TV knowing that if it is badly received I will never know about it, is one thing, but writing something that a. is filmed, b. could cause someone to cry in a bad way and c. can be witnessed going down like a lead balloon whilst I am reading it, means that the pressure is too much and I literally melted under it. I do not respond well to pressure. I tend to freak out and shout. Still, something that will 'do' is written and ready. I feel slightly relaxed. But I won't be totally relaxed until Sunday when it is all over. I am looking forward to enjoying the 'big' day but I am looking forward to Sunday even more. The Easter holidays for me will properly begin then.

The Easter holidays so far have included an awful lot of play dates, a WW meeting with Bea in tow, a trip to a friend's in Kent, a sleepover here and the creation of what can only be described as an awe inspiring three metre crocodile. I have been quite nice to the children so far but that is only because I know I am getting my hair done on Friday and I am going out for our Anniversary meal tomorrow night. These incentives have helped me to be ridiculously patient over the last 72 hours. It is amazing what I will do for hair and food. (Nine years BTW - it doesn't seem possible.)

The scan - it all went well you will be relieved to know. Ted was even magnificently well behaved. It was actually a pleasurable thing to do. Newbie performed its part perfectly - showing all the relevant parts of the body on cue. We even got a great arse-eye-view so that K and I could disagree about what we saw. I obviously believe it to be male. I saw some white blobs which I suspected to be testes but K has cleverly pointed out that they are too far apart to be sure that that is what we saw. On reflection he has a point. The ones I have seen on the outside have all been closely linked together and if they were testes I saw, they were obligingly either side of a white line in an almost cartoon drawing of meat and two veg which makes me suspect I might not have seen what I thought I saw. So, we are no further forward which is exactly what I wanted. Annoyingly the sonographer said she knew exactly what it was which made it far too tantalising for me. K even had to leave me alone with her when he took Ted out of the room so I could have asked her and found out and told no one. But the will power I used to lose the weight has been sitting dormant for the last five months so I put it in to action and walked out of the door quickly so I didn't have a chance. God knows how I am going to cope in the next scan. I may crack under the pressure.

We even only had to wait 45 minutes for our appointment - almost a record. We have waited almost an hour and a half before. However I still had enough time to people watch all the other people waiting which is my favourite past time. It was as I sat there watching all the other women and their partners/friends that I came up with the most genius idea. If I ruled the Country I would make it compulsory to go through a Dull test. It would be the most fabulous way of getting rid of the class system. Dullness transcends wealth, class, race and everything else that people are judged upon or judge themselves by. The dull scale will put all of those in the shade. The terribly dull will stick with their own people and the fabulously interesting can do the same. People who pretend to be interesting by doing stuff like sky diving or white water rafting would soon be sifted out - the dull cannot hide. Personal interviews would have to be conducted over a period of time so that the dull inspectors could properly ascertain your level of dull. And it wouldn't be entirely judged on actions - oh no no - otherwise I would fall foul of the dull-o-meter. No, it would primarily be scored on personality, life choices, ideology and then past times etc. It would be everything - the whole package. This would mean that millionaires who were ridiculously uninteresting would be persona-non-grata at dinner parties across the 'circuit'. No more dull conversations about skiing holidays and boat size for them - they will be stuck with the other dullards of all backgrounds and bank balances. The same applies to 'celebrities' who are only known because they had sex with someone or once appeared on a TV programme or something equally as dull. It would also mean that Katie Price no longer had currency as she would fall very short of the interesting mark. People who volunteer for charity to try and make the world a better place would be given top billing - people helping the homeless to keep warm and fed or who make very sick children's dreams come true - would be the high fliers in the world of the interesting. Plus, the Dull would be asked to stick to only two children so that we might keep their numbers down. I wouldn't make it compulsory as that is horrid and dictatorship like but they would be strongly advised to have none, but two at most. Can you imagine my exciting new world? There are endless possibilities with this one - I have only highlighted the tip of the iceberg so far. It can run and run. I know you all know really dull people you wish you didn't. Under my regime you would be able to shun them with valid reason. Oh and people who feed their tiny baby (around 3 months) juice from a baby bottle would also be shunned - there was one of those in the waiting room. Juice? I mean why in heaven's name would a tiny baby even want Ribena? It really does take all sorts.

I shall leave you with my awesome new idea. If it wasn't pointless I would try and get it put in to action. For now I have to put my beauty regime in to action - I have hair to wax and fake tan to apply. I am dreading such things after a particularly hideous lady-grooming-wax-incident pre-scan. The growing bump meant I was unable to fully control what I was attempting and I was left hideously bruised and sore and when I awoke on the morning of the scan, I found that I was physically stuck together. I had to bathe in a very warm bath just to be able to walk properly. Still, there is no budget to pay some kindly person to do it for me so I shall be brave and attempt to wax once more.

Ooh, before I go I must also clarify that when I said bi-weekly - I meant every other week. I am only permitted six hours cleaning help a month - K deems that to be extremely decadent as it is - to have someone helping me twice a week would cause him to fit. Next time I shall use 'Fortnightly' to avoid any confusion.

There you are - you are up to date. I shall let you know all about the wedding next week. Until then mon amies. xxxxx